Craisin Guy

Celia: Doug.

Doug: Celia. (formally extending his hand) Doug Guggenheim.

Celia: Um... I know you’re Doug, Doug. She sits down at her desk. Becomes pre-occupied with business stuff. Doug lingers.

Doug: Of course you do. Just like I know you’re Celia. Doug and Celia. Celia and Doug. Just working here at Galweather. Knowing each others names.

Celia: And social security numbers.

Doug: Home addresses. Coffee orders.

Celia: I’m kidding.

Doug: Me too. I kid. All the time. She notices her cell phone. Picks it up, annoyed.

(re: her cell phone)

Celia: Shit.

Doug: What shit? Me shit? I can go away.

Celia: Phone shit. Boyfriend.

(sotto)

Doug: Shit.

Celia: Actually ex-boyfriend. Blowing up my phone. I told him we’re done. Over. He just keeps calling and tweeting. She picks up the bag of gummy bears. Opens. Eats. Doug notices, eyes trained on her eating. It’s turning him on.

Celia: Wanna know something? These gummy bears are from my admirer.

Doug: Noooo.

Celia: Yep. Yesterday I got craisins. I love craisins. So my ex boyfriend can go suck it. Of course he probably did that before he stuck his chocolate in my roommate’s peanut butter. You know I mean... Of course you do. What kind of douchebag does that? Oh, I know, guys I date. All guys I date suck... except “craisin guy.”

Doug: Um... so you’re gonna date “craisin guy?”

Celia: Nope. He’d probably screw my roommate too.

Doug: Maybe he wouldn’t. He’d stay home with you and eat craisins.

Celia: Nope. My roommate’s pretty hot.

Doug: You’re hot. I mean, pretty. I mean, you’re pretty hot yourself, Celia. She laughs. Charmed but still oblivious to his sincerity. 2.

Celia: Wow, you really are a nice guy left. I should sell you on e-bay. So what can I get for you Doug Guggenheim? Or were you just trolling my desk for the new Galweather pens.

Doug: Pens. Yes. I need lots of pens.

Celia: O-kay. I’ve got a whole box right here. 3.